The Worst Christian Sex Tip Ever. Maybe.

Yep, this is pretty much the worst ever. Well, it's not as bad as that pastor I knew who recommended pornography as part of marital sex therapy, but it's pretty bad. And it's the kind of thinking that has led to the crisis of "purity" culture.

God's plan for sex:
Self-control before marriage, total abandon after marriage.#SexTip

— The Marriage Bed (@themarriagebed) April 4, 2016

Guys. GUYS! GUYS!


Total abandon never. Not until your sanctification is complete. Not until you no longer battle against the world, the flesh, and the Devil. Not until after the Resurrection. Not, my brothers, until you no longer do what you do not want to do.

What The Marriage Bed people are envisioning is probably a beautiful thing, but what they envisioned is not what they said. What they said is a contradiction in terms. One presumes that marriage is defined as consensual, as a pact in which both have obligations to care for each other, with sexual mutuality and reciprocity being a part of the things structure. So, yeah...no total abandon.

Not only are there not fewer ties to bind after marriage, there are more. (Perhaps you are noticing that I feel no obligation to phrase things simply. Hopefully this delights you.)

Not only must you continue to exercise self-control after marriage, now you have to weigh that down with obligation. Christians are obligated to serve each other sexually throughout their marriages. Which takes self-control, y'all.

I admit that I might seem to be picking this tweet apart with disproportionate and incommensurate vigor and violence. But it is not so. Loose lips sink ships when they could be smooching. You've got to be careful what you do with your tongue, gotta watch what you say.

This is gonna go great.

It has been a difficulty of young Christians for a few generations now that they've been promised (PROMISED!) mind-blowing sex as a reward for all their arduous adolescent chastity. Then they get to marriage and discover all sorts of things about each other and having sex with each other that just don't meet their expectations of what they know they deserve. (And if their expectations are secretly informed by internet porn, which they usually are, even more woe unto them!)

Listen, y'all. Marriage doesn't lead to mind-blowing sex; sex is part of a mind-blowing marriage. Marriage is mind-blowing. Marriage is huge. Marriage changes your life. Sex is part of that.

And marriage is not your animal reward for not eating the sex cookie God put on your snout and made you "STAY!" until he finally let you snarfle that thing down. Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy? You sure are! What a good boy-y-y!

You Christian men, do you really imagine it would be pleasing to God to do all the things to your wife that you've envisioned doing? Of course not. Some of them were sinful thoughts springing from sinful appetites, and if you totally abandoned yourself to them, you'd be trespassing on your wife's rights and dignity, to say the least.

Total abandon leads to insatiability. And addressing the men once more (since this whole blog is oriented toward y'all), you should be the one doing the cooking in bed, as much as possible. Serve the lady. And if you've ever been cook in the kitchen, you know that your experience of the meal is bound to be different, but that it is ultimately deeply satisfying precisely because of the service that has been rendered.

So, lads, I urge you to self-control. Let your marriage be defined by Kegel exercises of the spirit. Then maybe, maybe, y'all can start talking about mutually abandoning yourselves to each other.