Monday, November 11, 2013

Four Things I Don't Want To Hear About Your Wife

1. Don't tell me your wife is your best friend. 

What are you, a chick?

Your wife is your wife. You make a home, you make babies, you raise babies, you get sick together, you die. There is no friendship on God's green earth that can beat that. Men who say their wife is their best friend are the products of divorce culture. You can come up with a better reason to stay married than that you both share the same interests or grew up in the same town.

From an unnamed mommy blog.
Wives are young men's mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men's nurses.

Best friends aren't those things, wives are. So what if you have a bestie? Best friends, are like...well, let's just say that everyone has one. An excellent wife, on the other hand, is hard to find, is more precious than jewels. How about you say that your wife is a great wife, best wife in town, most skilled mother in the county.

You and wifey as BFFs. Gag me with a spoon. If you insist on speaking of your marriage as if it were an article in Cosmo or a post from a mommy blog, we're all going to make fun of you.

2. Don't tell me your wife is "the boss" or "the ball and chain".

Okay, you can say it every once in a while, I guess. As a joke. Ha ha ha. Funny, funny.

But stop after one. Even if it's true, saying it is only going to make you look ridiculous.

If you're at the pub with the boys and wifey texts wanting you home, act happy about it. If you want to stay, stay. If you want to go, even if only in order not to annoy the wife, go. And don't bitch about it, please. Act like you want to go home to your wife and kids.

If you want to go fishing with us this weekend, and you have to ask the wife, just ask. We understand. You and your family have things to do. Just don't paint your wife out to be some fun-crushing dictator. Now you look like a wuss who's willing to throw his wife under the bus when she's not looking. Come on, dude.

Maybe next time the wife wants you home early, tell us that your bride or your beloved is calling. Waggle your eyebrows like there's going to be a little afternoon delight, instead of a trip to Home Depot. When you make her look good, you look good.

And try to fix this at the root, by the way. My wife doesn't call or text when I'm out with the boys. She wants to make me look good, just as I want the same for her. Plus, she does it 'cause she's awesome. Your wife is probably awesome too. Start showing up to things and fulfilling obligations, then ask her not to bother you when you're with the boys. You can do it, buddy.

P.S. Don't tell me your wife is a nag.

3. Don't tell me your wife is crazy.

Look, I know some people are crazy, but your wife isn't. I've met her. Seems sweet, although I'm not sure she likes me. Nice lady.

Not only is she a lady, she's a woman. She don't think like you and me. But she's not crazy.

You know who's crazy? Your boss. Your friend from college. Your co-worker. That guy who cut you off.

Here's a dangerous one: you know who else is classically crazy? "That bitch". People say that. You might have said that too. About a co-worker or something, but not your wife, of course. "That bitch is crazy." "I know, right?" Rappers write songs about bitches being crazy. Sitcoms think bitches are crazy is hilarious.

Found this on the internet.
When you tell me your wife is crazy, what I hear is that we can all dismiss her. I see that you don't listen to her. We don't have to tell you that makes you look like an asshole, do we?

Your wife's not crazy. She's a human who's not you. Yes, she's also a woman. But surely you can handle that without dismissing her.

4. Don't tell me your wife is bad in bed (or good in bed, for that matter).

First off, if you come at me with the "I want a lady in the streets and a tiger in the sheets" you're cut off. We're not hanging out again. And start saving for your muscle convertible now, 'cause your alimony payments are going to put a damper on things in your middle age.

But if, more likely, you're going to complain about your wife's behavior in bed, shut your mouth. Go talk to your dad or your pastor, if you need to talk about this with a guy. Anyway, it's probably not that bad. You're just whining. Don't whine about that here. You're just embarrassing yourself, and worse, your wife.

So you know for a fact that your wife has "shared" some things with her girlfriends? Yeah, that's a problem. Doesn't matter here. Keep her modesty sacred.

And that's all I'll say about that.

_________________________________________________________________

What I'm trying to tell you, dude, is to take responsibility for your family. When you tell me your wife is your best friend, you're telling me you don't have to man up and lead. When you call her the old ball and chain you're saying you can't carry her. When you say she's crazy you're saying you might as well not bother. When you say she's a bad lover or a bad cook or a bad mommy or any other core wifey thing, you're saying you're uncharitable (i.e. an asshole).

The whole time you were talking about her, you were talking about yourself. You are husband and wife, after all. Try praising the woman. See what happens.

31 comments:

  1. Thanks, man! Good reminders in here, even for guys who aren't assholes. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. It seems I heard the "I want a lady in the streets and a tiger in the sheets" around a bonfire recently...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're right. I had to use it. I mean, what a line...

      Delete
  3. I think you are wrong about #1. See my post at http://www.allauthors.com/2013/11/356/is-your-spouse-your-best-friend

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that's a bit of rather shameless self-promotion there, buddy. if you have something to say, say it.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Wish I knew what that meant. Helpful? Insightful? Shellfishian?

      Delete
  5. this article is spot on. thank you so much for writing it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm not married so I can't speak from experience, but I found this interesting to read anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  7. http://unrestrainedimagination.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/you-arent-marrying-your-best-friend/ just adding to the pile

    ReplyDelete
  8. it made me sad to read your #1. perhaps i've misunderstood what you were saying. my husband and i are best friends, and that does not negate or diminish the fact that we are also lovers, partners, etc, etc. the one-fleshness of marriage is much bigger and encompasses much more than what you allow for.
    that said, my husband doesn't go around shouting to all his guy friends about how his wife is his best friend. he doesn't need to. so maybe you just meant that you don't want to hear all about the awesome friendships your guy friends have with their wives?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Rebekah, (and others since I started my reply)
      I'm not Joffre, but I hear what he is saying loud and clear and I wanted a chance to respond to your comment before anyone else.
      Saying your wife is not your best friend is a GOOD thing! the term "Best Friends" is too weak to apply to what a Husband and Wife have together. Basically all that best friends means is that out of the dozen, two dozen, fifty, or however many people you consider "friends" you just like your best friend a bit better. Friendships fluctuate and change all the time: you move to different towns, you get to know other people, go to different clubs, get new jobs, and so many other things. Friends grow apart, have falling outs, and just simply don't "hang out" anymore. It is unfair to your spouse to equate them to just a "best friend". The term doesn't bring anything to the table like "Wife" or "Husband" does, just look at the marriage vows! What "friend" can lay claim to any of those statements? especially "til death do us part" - how many friends have abandoned you when you needed them most? I don't want my wife to be my best friend, because she isn't! she is my WIFE!

      Delete
  9. I'm with Rebekah, wondering if I misunderstood #1. I agree about not wanting to hear about it. And, if that's the ONLY friendship you've got, there are some problems. But, if you're making babies, raising babies (especially the tag team effort required there), and nursing each other, etc. ...well, if you're not becoming friends in the process, then you're doing it wrong. I agree with the sentiment, though, and would take an excellent wife rather than a girl-best friend ANY day. Things in common and time together CAN'T replace passion, sex, family, commitment and service to each other. If that's what you're getting at, then I whole-heartedly agree. From the end of Matt's article link, "***At some point in the relationship, your spouse becomes literally your best friend.*** But we (have been) jumping the gun for the sake of a trite romantic phrase. Please, have a best friend. And then marry your closest friend, soul mate, everything, one shining star, angel sent from heaven, or rosebud. But your best friend? Put a tie on him, and call him your best man."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wrote a follow-up here. http://joffrethegiant.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-reason-i-dont-call-my-wife-my-best.html

      Delete
  10. From a woman's perspective, I think us wives can learn a lot from this article as well! At the end of the day, doesn't it come down to cherishing and respecting one another? Just a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T?

    With that said, I have to agree with Robert Flach on the "best friend" thing. Is it just semantics? Because I'm not grasping what is so offensive about the phrase.

    I have been married for 18 years and my husband still greets me with "Hi best friend", and I love it! It's speaks to another dimension of our relationship. Granted he is NOT the guy you wrote about. We cherish and respect one another and yes (sorry if this make you cringe) his IS my best friend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Shuttlemaker, you can see my follow up here: http://joffrethegiant.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-reason-i-dont-call-my-wife-my-best.html

      Delete
  11. I agree with what you say, but I have to say that I'm tired of the heavy bias towards chastising men. I'm raising a boy, and popular culture is all about chastising men, presenting them as idiots, and frankly - demeaning them. I'd like to see some articles affirming men, giving some perspective to women on how to respect a man, etc. I'm tired of seeing the same old, same old targeting men as the source of all angst.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My wife IS crazy - but then so am I ! "Normal" is soooo boring.

    Now you know!

    Shalom
    Hermann

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! That sounds like a different kind of crazy!

      Delete
  13. Agreed, and might I add that this apply to posts on Facebook. The world does not need to know the intimate feeling that you have and should be telling your wife PRIVATELY and same to the wives.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Not sure I see a clear point to this article. What I am sure of, is that I would have no desire to have a conversation with an arrogant, self-absorbed individual who thinks he knows how a relationship works, and does not want to hear your crap (in his opinion). All relationships are different. Perhaps if this was presented from a personal point (as in..."this is the way I am making my marriage work"), the effect would be different. As many have said already, generally love and respect are key to success in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Daddy doesn't play the personal game. If you disagree, handle it.

    A common courtesy request on my blog: identify yourself in some way.

    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is terrific! I read a lot directed at wives, urging us to speak well of our husbands, etc. (and it's much-needed!), so it's encouraging to see an article like this directed toward husbands. Props to you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Joffre, I keep coming back to read this post. I need it. Thanks for the reminder of how awesome my wife is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude. It means a lot to me to read this.

      And yes, your wife is awesome.

      Delete