Four Things I Don't Want To Hear About Your Wife

1. Don't tell me your wife is your best friend. 

What are you, a chick?

Your wife is your wife. You make a home, you make babies, you raise babies, you get sick together, you die. There is no friendship on God's green earth that can beat that. Men who say their wife is their best friend are the products of divorce culture. You can come up with a better reason to stay married than that you both share the same interests or grew up in the same town.

From an unnamed mommy blog.

Wives are young men's mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men's nurses.

Best friends aren't those things, wives are. So what if you have a bestie? Best friends, are like...well, let's just say that everyone has one. An excellent wife, on the other hand, is hard to find, is more precious than jewels. How about you say that your wife is a great wife, best wife in town, most skilled mother in the county.

You and wifey as BFFs. Gag me with a spoon. If you insist on speaking of your marriage as if it were an article in Cosmo or a post from a mommy blog, we're all going to make fun of you.

2. Don't tell me your wife is "the boss" or "the ball and chain".

Okay, you can say it every once in a while, I guess. As a joke. Ha ha ha. Funny, funny.

But stop after one. Even if it's true, saying it is only going to make you look ridiculous.

If you're at the pub with the boys and wifey texts wanting you home, act happy about it. If you want to stay, stay. If you want to go, even if only in order not to annoy the wife, go. And don't bitch about it, please. Act like you want to go home to your wife and kids.

If you want to go fishing with us this weekend, and you have to ask the wife, just ask. We understand. You and your family have things to do. Just don't paint your wife out to be some fun-crushing dictator. Now you look like a wuss who's willing to throw his wife under the bus when she's not looking. Come on, dude.

Maybe next time the wife wants you home early, tell us that your bride or your beloved is calling. Waggle your eyebrows like there's going to be a little afternoon delight, instead of a trip to Home Depot. When you make her look good, you look good.

And try to fix this at the root, by the way. My wife doesn't call or text when I'm out with the boys. She wants to make me look good, just as I want the same for her. Plus, she does it 'cause she's awesome. Your wife is probably awesome too. Start showing up to things and fulfilling obligations, then ask her not to bother you when you're with the boys. You can do it, buddy.

P.S. Don't tell me your wife is a nag.

3. Don't tell me your wife is crazy.

Look, I know some people are crazy, but your wife isn't. I've met her. Seems sweet, although I'm not sure she likes me. Nice lady.

Not only is she a lady, she's a woman. She don't think like you and me. But she's not crazy.

You know who's crazy? Your boss. Your friend from college. Your co-worker. That guy who cut you off.

Here's a dangerous one: you know who else is classically crazy? "That bitch". People say that. You might have said that too. About a co-worker or something, but not your wife, of course. "That bitch is crazy." "I know, right?" Rappers write songs about bitches being crazy. Sitcoms think bitches are crazy is hilarious.

Found this on the internet.

When you tell me your wife is crazy, what I hear is that we can all dismiss her. I see that you don't listen to her. We don't have to tell you that makes you look like an asshole, do we?

Your wife's not crazy. She's a human who's not you. Yes, she's also a woman. But surely you can handle that without dismissing her.

4. Don't tell me your wife is bad in bed (or good in bed, for that matter).

First off, if you come at me with the "I want a lady in the streets and a tiger in the sheets" you're cut off. We're not hanging out again. And start saving for your muscle convertible now, 'cause your alimony payments are going to put a damper on things in your middle age.

But if, more likely, you're going to complain about your wife's behavior in bed, shut your mouth. Go talk to your dad or your pastor, if you need to talk about this with a guy. Anyway, it's probably not that bad. You're just whining. Don't whine about that here. You're just embarrassing yourself, and worse, your wife.

So you know for a fact that your wife has "shared" some things with her girlfriends? Yeah, that's a problem. Doesn't matter here. Keep her modesty sacred.

And that's all I'll say about that.

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What I'm trying to tell you, dude, is to take responsibility for your family. When you tell me your wife is your best friend, you're telling me you don't have to man up and lead. When you call her the old ball and chain you're saying you can't carry her. When you say she's crazy you're saying you might as well not bother. When you say she's a bad lover or a bad cook or a bad mommy or any other core wifey thing, you're saying you're uncharitable (i.e. an asshole).

The whole time you were talking about her, you were talking about yourself. You are husband and wife, after all. Try praising the woman. See what happens.