Colbert & The Song of Osteen


Perhaps you saw Stephen Colbert's interview of Joel Osteen back in February, while Osteen was promoting his new book, The Power of I AM: Two Word That Will Change Your Life Today. I saw it last week, and immediately realized that it required a poem. I'm sorry I didn't see the video or publish this contemporaneous to any online kerfuffle there might have been. I missed it entirely, and I deeply regret that, but I have never been one to allow lack of timeliness to ruin a joke. Well, I've at least never allowed lack of timeliness to stop me from delivering a joke.

I hope you find this poem a neat summary of that great meeting. If you haven't seen the interview yet, you can find the video below. The poem is in the style of all those Archy and Mehitabel poems of yore. You remember...Archy was that cockroach writer who couldn't reach the shift key, and Mehitabel was the alley cat who thought she was Cleopatra reincarnated. I'll let you guess which roles Colbert and Osteen will play.

the song of osteen
(after don marquis and archy)

this is the song of osteen
the song of osteen
of osteen the alley cat
the song of osteen
as i wrote you before viewers
osteen is a believer
in the pythagorean
theory of the transmigration
of blessing and he claims
that formerly his spirit
was incarnated in the body
of the image of victory
that was obviously a big deal
and one must not be
surprised if osteen
has forgotten some of his
more subtle manners

i am the colbert
who has a radiovision show
and i host the greatest
prophets and believers of the age
i am myself a prophet
and one day i popped my
typewriter and announced
i am going to write a song
the song of osteen
of osteen the alley cat
and i will host
the song of osteen
i will write it
on my radiovision show
i am just a cockroach
with a typewriter
osteen in an alleycat
with a football stadium

i know that i am bound
for a journey down the sound
in the midst of a refuse mound
a friend once said
and i must heartily concur
wotthehell whotthehell

when he came to my set
wotthehell whotthehell

he said two words
that will change your life
are buy this book
which immediately explained
his trinitarian thought
because that is not only two words
but another two words were
I AM like the books name
the power of I AM

moses and the burning bush
i said that seems like a lot
like a mystery
like what more do you have
to add to the word of God

mine is a different take on it
a happier different take on it
what follows I AM is
what we invite into our lives
for example i am
toujours gai toujours gai
it changed how oprah saw her life

so this is the power
i said
of positive
but i hesitated
of positiv
vvvvvv
vvv
vvvvision
for yourself
i said

the power in our words
is i think people dont realize
how many times
we speak negative things
about ourselves

i do that all the time
i said
im so stupid

oh thats so funny
and osteens teeth glared
everyone laughed

do you have to believe in Jesus
to read this book

no
cuz jesus went outside the box
if you are outside the box
i will still talk to you
was the great alley cats
implication or is it suggestion
i have been a little
unusual he said
i talk about life and forgiveness
these are themes
untouched inside the box
other prophets never say
life and forgiveness
also i say
having good attitudes
reaching your dreams
a lot of times
religion pushes people down

ten millions people
cats and cockroaches
and a verisimilitude of
other creatures thats a lot
of other creatures
tune into your radiovision
prophecies i said
thats as big as some religions

like i said he said
i have been a little unusual
i have gone outside
the church world
there are so many alleys
for an alley cat
but religion pushes people down
the power of I AM
is what follows after
having good attitudes

as a catholic cockroach
i must ask have you tried
the power of crushing guilt

oh thats so funny
people say to me
im guilty enough
so i dont go to church
our message is a little bit
different god is for you

is there one thing
one prophet to another
is there one thing
a core message
that is not one of prosperity
is there one thing
to take from this book
i asked with precision

to which responded
to wit wotthehell wotthehell
osteen the alley cat
dont be against yourself
i am the image of God
i am a masterpiece
recall that i am
a believer
in the pythagorean
theory of the transmigration
of blessing and
that formerly my spirit
was incarnated in the body
of the image of victory
that was obviously a big deal
quit being against yourself
i am fearfully and wonderfully
made im strong and talented

one prophet to another
i said
from one prophet
you are obviously
strong and talented
plus you seem like you have abs

oh thats so funny
thank you for having me colbert
the cockroach


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