Here is part 2, which is much less snarky.
Trigger warning: if sad bad things have happened to you in your life, this might make you sad bad. Please be careful, because we just want to look after you and would never want to hurt you.
Oh, my brothers. We have been sinned grievously against, it is true. In fact, you are the way you are today because I was mean to you when I was your pastor, and also because your mom never loved you. But it is time to forgive others, like Jesus.1
Are you drowning far from God? You are separated from Jesus because other people did things to you. Yes, sin is the chasm between you and God, and only Jesus can bridge that gap. But let's be specific. It's the sin of other people that's the problem, isn't it?
If you had been left to your devices you'd be in church today, lovin' on Jesus. But trials not common to man beset you, and here you are, far from God.
Well, brother, I have a gospel for you. I can tell you how to be near to God: know who to blame, and blame them.
Yes, if you're hurt (at church we call this kind of hurt "butt-hurt"), if you're a victim, there's a greater Victim who died for you. There are some wild heretics out there who would claim that this Victim died because of your sin, but we know that's not really true. This Victim died for the hurt and brokenness and emotional wounds inflicted upon you by others. I'm sorry on behalf of these other so-called Christians if they ever told you that your alienation from God was because of your own rebellion against God. It is not you who killed Jesus, good buddy. It was your mom. And you old pastor.
Once you are saved from butt-hurt, then your life of gospel victimhood can truly begin. Come to Jesus because you're a victim, and live a new life with Jesus' people as a victim.
Other so-called Christians proclaim a gospel whereby Jesus as Victim saves rebels, the very men who kill him. Those people say "The peace of Christ" or "Peace be with you" when they greet each other, because they mistakenly believe that Jesus brought peace to war and rebellion. You and I, when we shake hands with our brothers, are to say "Ow, you're hurting me." In this way the first will be last and the last will be first. Biggest victim wins.
Spiritual growth consists in revealing and exploring deeper and deeper levels of victimhood. Victim soteriology makes for victim church life. Search for opportunities to say not only "Ow, you're hurting me", but also "What else can you do for me?"
Forgiven criminals and rebels believe they are saved by grace, and believe they should show grace. But we, as recovering victims, are fed by therapy. Therefore we demand to be catered to.
If questions of authority in church life arise, remind your brothers of what you are entitled to. Bad things happen to the best victims, so share early and often. Do not be modest or circumspect, because that will call your holy entitlement into question. Jesus wants to help you and so should everyone else. Tell them all your problems, and how much other people have hurt you. This shows that the Victim is with you.
Lay down your hurt, lay down your heart, come as you are.
Come as you are, as a friend, as I want you to be.
Lay down your burden, but never ever let those hurtful people tell you to lay down your sins.
1 I can't remember now if I intended this to mean that we should forgive others as Jesus did, or if we should forgive Jesus for letting these things happen to us. Either way, though.