My Giant Affirmation of Americanness

As many of you know, the family and I are on the way to southern Brazil as missionaries with OMI Reformed. We're staying in Chile with family for a while, taking a deep breath before the plunge. At this very moment my wife is painting, my twelve-year-old daughter has started work on her 38th unfinished Great American Novel, and I'm a-blogging. But in Chile.

Travel can cause one to examine one's self in new lights. And as I examine myself, I discover that I'm an American, dangnabbit! A red-blooded American! Never mind that Kimberly (the wife) has said that she's already gotten new insights into me just by being in Latin America. Just generic Latin America, mind you, not even Brazil, where I grew up.

Sure, I'm Latin. I'm Brazilian. I'm Latin-Saxon, as I've taken to saying. But most of all, for better or for worse, I'm American. This is my affirmation of Americanness, written for myself and for you. It is a reminder that this land was made for you and me.

Without further ado, I hereby affirm the following:

1. That the hamburger is the greatest sandwich ever devised.

2. That gun ownership protects the people from tyranny.

3. That dos a cero forever.

4. That the rest of the world is wrong, price tags should not include taxes. People should know what they're being made to pay to the State.

5. That I worked with this guy. And that he loves America too.

5. That Tim Tebow is the most awesome. That I wish he had a mustache.

6. That women like this are real, and that they are lovely.

6. That Tillamook Cheddar is the most delicious and most versatile cheese in the 'verse.

7. That Standard measurements (American/English) are based on human dimensions and are in harmony with Creation. That the metric system is based on water, godless heathenism, and satanic mills. Wide is the gate and broad the road that leads to destruction, y'all.

8. That culture is worship.

8. That apple pie is best as cold leftovers.

9. That Pigs in a Blanket. That root beer. That hot dogs. That maple syrup from AMERICA.

10. That we handled this thing pretty well.

10. That baseball is boring but feels good.

11. That what I actually said was ALL the bacon and eggs.

12. That Firefly and Arrested Development should not have been canceled. And Serenity and Netflix's Arrested season sucked.

13. That beards are cool in the U.S.

14. That Mexican restaurants = the most American.

14. That it's All-You-Can-Eat Wings Night somewhere.

15. That American English is a beautiful thing. The slang! The modes of expression!

13. That ROAD TRIP!

14. That I found this thing at the thrift store, y'all. High fives.

15. That it's not just a hamburger. It's a cheeseburger with bacon and guacamole.

16. That Go Gators!


  1. This list is correct, sir.

    Except baseball isn't boring. But then, I liked Serenity, so perhaps that speaks ill of my judgement.

    1. Let's say this: baseball fills one with serenity.

  2. Hmmm yes, baseball. I've been to more baseball games than any other sport and yet I've actually paid less attention to it than any other. Except for the time when I was stuck in Amsterdam. Baseball became incredibly interesting.


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