Monday, September 28, 2015

App To Prevent Accidental Rape In BETA


We've all been there before, right, guys? It's a difficult problem to avoid. There you are, up in this club, just doing the lawnmower and trying to keep it real. Suddenly, some female is all up in your business, working and twerking. You try to move away, because the lawnmower requires space, but she keeps doin' it on purpose windin' and workin' it.

But as you're standing there, wondering what could have driven this female to comport herself in such an undignified manner, your appletinis kick in and you realize that you have not fulfilled the biological imperative to mate in a long while. What is more, the evidence suggests that this female is behaving twerkishly because she herself is in the same sexless boat.

"What to do?", you wonder. "Shall we make love in this very club? Is that what she is signalling?" If you were dogs you would of course know whether to mate with her or not, but you're not dogs. Still, the fact that she is pressing her genitals against yours seems like a pretty solid indication of willingness to mate. That settles it, then. Time to go for it!

Right?

No! Sir! No, sir. Twerking does not mean yes. In fact, as you will see from the image to your left, the only yes that means yes is an enthusiastic yes. If it's not yes, it's rape. Even if she's singing Bread's Take Me Now, she's not necessarily saying "take me now".

What are you to do with this ambiguity? You've been through this entire thought process, and you find yourself in a quandary. Well, stroke your chin in impotent thought no longer, young man. While she's down there, still twerking on you, simply take out your phone and download our new application for just $5.

It's called the Sex Enthusiasm Meter & Equivocacy Negator. With SEMEN, you can say goodbye to the ubiquitous problem of uncertainty rapes. The problem has always been precise measurement of the enthusiasm in an "enthusiastic yes". And that's exactly what we've eliminated. How? With science, of course.

Now that you've downloaded the app, if she's still twerking on you, which she probably is, simply tap it and it will automatically begin the measuring process. Our crack team cracked the uncertainty wall when it realized what the fundamental problem with hook-ups is: the male and female simply don't know each other. There is not enough of a relationship between the two for either to make important judgments about the other. Here is our solution: our Butt Recognition System will take the image of the female's butt and match it to pictures of butts across all major social media platforms. It then locates the female's profile, and from there, contacts the person who knows her best in the whole world. That's right! It calls her mom! When you ask the female "Would you like to make love in this club?", her mother will be able to react in real time to the enthusiasm of her yes and pass that information on to you.

In a few cases our process can cause a delay of several months between twerking and mating as the couple prepares for marriage. Please do not use app unless you are prepared for that eventuality.

The app is still in BETA, so download it now to be a part of the select group to participate in this ground-breaking rape prevention measure. When she sees that you have SEMEN at your fingertips, she'll feel respected and safe, and you can rest easy knowing that you won't be raping anyone tonight!

Postscript: before anyone accuses me of not taking rape seriously, please read this article. Then go ahead and accuse me.

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