Hello, gentlemen. I am here to tell you about the beauties of having a plump wife. Sit down in a soft chair, pour yourself a beer, and read this list in peace and contentment.
All women, as every good Christian man knows, are beautiful. I know that. You know that. And we do not say that simply to appease the ladies. We have really seen, in virtuous moments, that they are all beautiful.
Because of that truth, this will be a very short list. When the world is full of beautiful things aesthetic choices become matters of preference, goals, culture, upbringing, experience, et cetera. I could write a book about plump wives, but I recognize that most of the things I love about having a plump wife are a function of preference and experience. I mean to say, if you had experienced my plump wife you would love plump wives too! But even I can see that those wives who can run 26.2 miles in one go, and the wives that do CrossFit, and the wives who look like porcelain dolls, and the wives with piano players' hands, are all lovely as well. So this list will consist of three items, and no more. Three indisputable facts about plump wives that might move you to action. If you are single, perhaps you will search out a plump woman and with only minimal effort and the tiniest grunt carry her over some nearby threshold. Or, if you are married, you might encourage your wife to plumpness (gently, brother, for the hearts of thin women break hard).
First, a plump wife is content. In our cultural context women do not make plumpness a goal. Therefore plump wives come in two categories: those who were blessed of God with a perfect plumpness and do not fight it, and those who were blessed with many other blessings which brought them a fat peace and a happy plumpitude. It is as the ancient saying goes, harvest makes girls plump.
Second, a plump wife is pleasant. Yes, pleasantly plump, but more than that. Pleasant to hold and behold and pleasant in her disposition. Plump wife enjoys giving and receiving hospitality, and when you come into her home she will feed you and your family with the same cream and ale with which she feeds her own bairns.
Finally, and most selfishly, plump wives are the best trophy wives. Plump wives show the world what a good husband you are. The best marriage advice I ever received was from a Baptist preacher who told me to make sure that, come what may, I always kept the pantry full. Wives, experience will show you, have trouble being content when the kitchen is empty of cream and ale. Having a content wife shows the world that you can provide those things, and what is more, in an atmosphere of peace and joy, for wives have trouble being pleasant when there is no peace and joy.
When the Lord blesses us, which he has done, we ought to be truly grateful. Gratitude, friends, is beautiful, and only with it can we make beautiful things. You, husband, can have an influence on your wife's beauty. The best part of having a plump wife is that it signals to the world entire that God has given you a beautiful life. Behold, it says, I have much cattle, and fat children, and honey and cream and ale and apples and spices from far off and oh by the way...
...have you met my plump wife? We have been truly blessed.