10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry

“I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense, passing along the street near her corner, taking the road to her house.” (Proverbs 7:7-8).

I'm going to try to keep it real simple for you, dummies. Ready? Here goes: the 10 types, kinds, sorts, and varieties of women from whom all Christian men should flee when the specter of matrimony comes a-calling.

1. Unbelievers
2. Unbelievers
3. Unbelievers
4. Unbelievers
5. Unbelievers
6. Unbelievers
7. Unbelievers
8. Unbelievers
9. Unbelievers
10. Unbelievers

I know that such a comprehensive, detailed, and variegated list can be difficult to process, but with patience and prayer, I hope that you can begin to see how to implement this list into your life.
____________________________________________________________________

Now, there is another prominent list making the rounds on social media, one penned by NYCpastor, a gentleman who prefers to use the word "former" when "previous" would have served better. Here is 10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry. There are actually many such lists out there on the webs, which in former times and divers blogs have appeared. There is such a great diversity of thought regarding the rules and regulations which Christian men ought to observe when crossing women off their matrimonial lists that I thought I might take some time to interact with NYCpastor's post to the edification of all Christian men. Remember that when choosing a wife, you can emphasize either wisdom or lists, and lists are much easier to apply metrics to.

The following list will be made up of NYCpastor's categories and my commentary. Feel free to visit his site if you would like to hear him justify himself with wisdom and charity.

10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry

1. The Unbeliever. Correct. 2 Corinthians 6:14 et al.

2. The Divorcee. NYCpastor points out that the only lawful divorce, according to Jesus, is because of sexual immorality. Any remarriage outside of lawful divorce is adultery. True that, my homie. As NYCpastor says, "unrepentant adultery being a sin that prevents one from obtaining eternal life (1 Corinthians 6:9)." Jesus, when he taught on divorce, was speaking to the covenant people. And today his covenant people must also obey him. Anyone who claims to be a Christian and divorces their spouse unlawfully must repent and return.

But what of those outside the covenant? What of the masses of unbelievers who divorce when young, remarry, and perhaps even divorce again before converting ("so too the second and third, down to the seventh")? To whom do they belong? If I follow the teachings of the checklists, the solution is simple. Even though her pagan husband remarried and has a family, and she is now a Christian, she needs to go back to him and be his second wife. Oh, wait, we don't really do that anymore. Okay, she can go back to him and be her concubine or maidservant.

Pro tip: a possible loophole presents itself here because she never remarried but he did. He is now committing adultery, so she can get a lawful divorce from her church! Now you can marry her. See, guys? This isn't so hard once you get into the mindset of checklists and rules!

3. The Older Woman. As NYCpastor says, "not a sin, but certainly not God's ideal." For the why? Because the two reasons:

a. The man's in charge because God made him first; authority derives from who was there first; how will you rule your wife if she's older?

b. You're more likely to get divorced if she's older because statistics.

Starting with b., I will tell you that this is why I say that it's not God's ideal that blacks marry whites. Don't be like Moses and Zipporah, be like Aaron and Miriam. Choosing your wife is all about playing the odds for success. Don't marry old, brother. And don't marry interracially. You're going against the stats, and God don't go against the stats.

As for a., we all know how intractable women are. Imagine how difficult a godly woman would find it to submit to you if you were not only a doofus, but a young doofus! I have watched my own wife, my mother, and many other women put up with and submit to a lot of stupid stuff over the years, but if they'd been older and actually been wise enough to figure out how stupid men can be, most of them would surely have been divorced by now. Avoid older women, oh men.

And let me add another point here, if NYCpastor will forgive me taking the liberty. Let's not forget that women get all worn out and dried up pretty quickly. You shouldn't so much be looking for a wife who will make you a better man as you should be looking for a wife upon whom to get children.

4. The Feminist. Here I must admit to some confusion. What does he mean by feminist? If he means unbeliever, why doesn't he just say so? But of course, he's right. Feminists are unmarriageable.

5. The Sexy Dresser. "Godly, not gaudy." I used to think that my wife was a sexy dresser, but I realize now that Christians aren't sexy. Adulteresses and seductresses are sexy, and the way they dress is what defines sexy. I can't believe I never understood that. AndI used to think that seductresses were tawdry and pathetic, but now I see I was mistaken. As I think upon the Sexy Dresser category, I think that, like followers of Torah of old, perhaps a rule buffer would be helpful. My mother taught me not to marry women who dressed like prostitutes and were profligate in their affections, but I will add onto that a simple hedge of protection: I will avoid beautiful women. You know, those women who light up a room and make any piece of clothing look like it was made by angels? That's just a little too close to Sexy Dresser; nix marrying beautiful women, because that's asking for trouble.

6. The Loud-Mouth. I give you a simple command: don't marry a woman who talks too much or gossips. 'M'kay?

7. The Child-Hater. Do such Christians even exist? A Christian man or woman who wouldn't want to make a baby? I suppose I must take the author's word for it, because such a person must be vanishingly rare.

8. The Wander-Luster. Here is another point on which NYCpastor has changed my mind. I used to think that proverbs about wayward women who go from house to house was about adulteresses, but actually they're about women who love to travel. "The constant desire for new experiences, new places, new faces, and new forms of entertainment only serves to clearly manifest the fact that the woman has not found her rest in God." Find yourself a wife who has no interests in anything outside her four walls. And the garden. She can garden if she doesn't let her eyes wander down the road. In that situation you must exercise wisdom.

9. The Career Woman. This is so one of those things we keep having to bring up. "There's nothing wrong with a woman who works, just with a woman who puts work ahead of her family." Over and over again, we just have to keep saying it, 'cause women just aren't getting it and men are letting them get away with it. Of course, Christian men prioritizing work over family is a huge problem too, but we don't have to talk about it because feminism.

10. The Devotion-less Woman. Remember that we're operating by rules and checklists here. It would be foolish to ask yourself if the object of your affections loves Jesus, displays the fruit of the Spirit, and loves her neighbors and her daddy. There's a much simpler litmus test for the fruit of the Spirit: does your dame engage in a 15-minute quiet time of Bible reading and prayer before breakfast? If not, leave your cloak in her clutches and flee, brother!
____________________________________________________________________

And now I return to my normal voice.

In this voice I will tell you that NYCpastor's post had a lot of common sense in it. Of course Christian men shouldn't marry women who don't want children, or who hate reading the Bible. But a spirit of assholishness permeated the entire post, and because of it, I was not able to remain silent forever. The thing keeps showing up in my Facebook feed, and in this way I will purge it from my consciousness.

The pastoral advice I might give a young Christian man is not the same thing I would write as a comprehensive list of what does or does not make a young Christian woman eligible. I recall that Salmon, Yahweh, Hosea, and Jesus married prostitutes and adulteresses. I would not advise you to marry a whore, but I would advise you against making lists. You are likely to find that the list made against you looks even less flattering than the one you made against her.

Perhaps NYCpastor is a victim of the blogging format. We've all been there. 3 Reasons You Sound More Judgmental When Making Lists, and whatnot. I have not been kind to him, but in this he deserves none.

The spirit of assholishness does not take root where wisdom is. Speaking categorically on matters that the Bible is not categorical about is foolishness, and worse. It is the first step toward legalism.

Oh my sons, when you are of age, you will bring my grey head down in sorrow if you marry a 40-year-old CFO who wears a bikini at the beach, goes out every night, and doesn't want kids. I will straight up tell you that you're wrong. But I will not tell you the marriage is not God's will.

When your wife and I die, which should be around the same time, perhaps she and I will laugh about the whole thing together in Paradise.

As for you other readers, I ask you to just remember the list: 1.-10. Unbelievers.


P.S. most of this post was satire. Now I have said it, so that no idiots call me out for being against interracial marriage. Not that the idiots got this far.