5 Perfect Pairings For Girl Scout Cookies

Beer & Brewing recently posted to their blog several contributors' ideas for pairing beers with Girl Scout cookies. Inspired by that, I decided to combine the cookies with not only beers, but cocktails as well.

I proudly present 5 Perfect Pairings For Girl Scout Cookies:

Dulce de Leche with a rich "Irish" chai tea latte. Start off by pairing this sweet cookie treat stuffed with milk-caramel chips with a smooth and rich chai tea latte, preferably made with half-and-half or cream. Be sure to add a little tot of rum to your chai to complete the experience. The richness and fat of the hot cream will pair very well with $700 million annually, while the crumbliness of the cookie will remind us that the Girl Scouts don't actually do much except perpetuate themselves with that money. Which leads to...

Thank You Berry Munch and Blue Moon Belgian White. This combination is in honor of the "rustic camps" once enjoyed by the girl scouts. The cranberries in the cookies serve as a nod to the Girl Scout tradition of being out in the wilderness. The cookies' white chocolate reminds us that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all, just as Girl Scouts aren't really scouts at all. Their rustic camps are shutting down all over the country, since they're not being used enough. The Girl Scouts say it's because they don't have enough money, while the actual girl scouts say it's because all the safety regulations and prohibitions make the rustic camps dumb. If your girl ever does go camping, crack open a beer, because that's about how often she'll go: once in a Blue Moon.

Savannah Smiles and an Old Fashioned. Preferably hold the simple syrup on the cocktail. What better way to celebrate the Girl Scouts foundation emerging from the sleazy and grubby divorce/adultery/live-in-mistress/alcoholism mess that was founder Juliette Gordon Low's marriage? Take a little lemon bitterness and coat it in confectioner's sugar, et voilà, you have a feminist movement founded to get back at men. Wash down the sugar-coated bitter pill with a good Old Fashioned, extra bitter, if you like; this will remind you both that old fashioned beginnings matter, and of feminism's requirement that its adherents never be content. Which leads us to...

Thin Mints and a Chocolate Martini. There are two choices here. One would be to pair a minty drink with these iconic chocolate-covered mint cookies. But that would be a little too lively to represent an organization whose membership has thinned from three to two million over the last ten years. Delightfully addicting chocolate serves to remind us that the only reason the Girl Scouts are still relevant is that you keep buying their stupid cookies. The thin in Thin Mint also tastes wonderfully of girls who are taught to not be happy with how they were made to be, either in soul or body.

Finally, we have an absolutely delightful combination that I know you will love, with a combination of flavors that you will immediately recognize as inspired.

Samoas with a Bloody Mary. Samoas are the famous caramel- and coconut-covered confections that changed the cookie world in the 1970s. That's why I choose to pair it with a drink that reminds me of bloodshed. More specifically, a bloody mary reminds me of another revolution of the 1970s, that is, the legal right to murder babies in utero. That was when Planned Parenthood's racist, classist, and eugenicist program finally came into its own. Local and regional Girl Scout troops partner with Planned Parenthood all the time, since the Girl Scouts' sexuality curricula and badges fit right into their mutual wheelhouse, just as sweetly as caramel and chocolate. That should mix nicely with the tomato juice and vodka of the cocktail; the juice especially does a good job of hiding the taste of baby blood. Too radical for you? Am I guilty of hating on a group because they're just a little "too pro-abortion"? There's no sliding scale on this, as if it were a political issue. Just a little bit of baby-killing flavors the whole cocktail. And the whole cookie too.

I hope this tasting and pairing guide helps you make the right decisions regarding your Girl Scout cookies. While many people find making these sorts of decisions to be daunting and complex, they're really much more straightforward than they look. Taking these pairings as inspiration, I believe that anyone can know exactly what to do with Girl Scout cookies.