The Best Way To Beat Record Cold

Last week we enjoyed some record colds here in the upcountry of South Carolina. This won't impress any Canadians or Michiganders, but we had several nights in a row with temperatures in the teens. That's cold, anywhere you go. And here it's about as cold as it gets.

Here is my simple and enjoyable solution for facing up to night-time cold, in a brief step-by-step.

1. Find a friend who owns a hot tub. Don't have one? Ask around at church. If you come up empty, you might try looking on craigslist. Whatever it takes. Get it done.

2. Invite yourself over to that friend's house.

3. Buy some stogies. Make sure someone's bringing plenty of bourbon and rye whiskey.

4. Walk out into the cold cold cold weather and strip down to your skivvies. Make sure as you climb into the tub not to slip on the icy steps. Slide into the beautiful heat of the tub.

5. Light your cigar. Try not to drop the box of matches in the water like you did last time.

6. Encourage the man who brought a pipe to the hot tub. He has much moisture to overcome.

7. If your host insists on scootching in close, embrace the moment. What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub. This is most likely to happen after the bottle of Gentleman Jack is gone.

8. The third time your host's wife comes out, worried that you'll all die of pneumonia, go ahead and jump out. Dry off quickly, dashing into the garage half-wet. Crack open a good-bye beer.

9. Go home already.

There you have it. Your solution to the cold. To put it most briefly: whiskey, cigars, hot tub. Sprinkle in a little excellent conversation and a lot of easy friendship, and even your innermost being will be warmed.