Which Is A Better Ride: Minivans or Condoms?

I came across this bottle cap the other day. Made me a bit mad, I'll admit it. Turns out there are all sorts of products you can buy along these lines.

It's all right, dried up little souls. Go ahead and practice your contraceptions. Just...don't hate the players. We're busy doing good work over here, all minivan and no condom.

Lovers and spouses (these are one and the same in my universe, by the way) find that minivans are an unmitigated good, and condoms to be the least of the tools in a toolbox they often don't want around anyway.

Let's compare minivans to condoms.

Those surveyed find that condoms are
1. awkward to get into
2. constricting/no room
3.you can't really feel the road
4. have less responsive handling

Because of these built in problems,
5. your lady is always back-seat driving; the awkward handling makes her nervous.
6. you get to your destination either too early or too late, you never seem to arrive at the right time.

But once you get in a minivan, you find that
1. they are fun to get in and out of, offering sliding side doors, extra handles and holders, unexpected gadgets and a big trunk
2. they do not limit your room
3. they have tight handling
4. they give a smooth ride

What you can see from the outside of the van is crucial as well.
5. your wife likes it big. So you give it to her. It makes her feel safe and cared for.
6. she wants not just quality, but quantity. How many little squirts in one minivan? Oh, wow. Six in one ride.

That's why we own a Honda Oddysey.

And last but not least, minivans have a teleology, while condoms do not. And the minivan owners among us know: tail with telos is always better.

If the van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.