6 Reasons You Should Wax Your Mustache

Men, I'm sure you agree, ought to look manly. But that does not mean they can't primp just a little bit. It has been said by one of the poets that a woman's hair is her glory. A man's mustache can be glorious. No, should be glorious.

Here are a few reasons you, good sir, ought to wax your mustache.

1. It's Preparation For Your Day

An act of grooming to start your day can be a physical accompaniment to spiritual preparation, like kneeling when praying. And by "act of grooming", I mean something besides the necessary shit-shower-n-shave.

For many of us mustache waxers, this is our only act of manly primping and pampering. It's not time-consuming, but does require regular maintenance, and can therefore easily be made a part of your daily ablutions.

A friend of mine shaves his face with excruciating precision every morning, then runs Brylcreem through his hair and combs it with an exactness. Some men have long morning grooming routines that they thoroughly enjoy. I am not such a man. I am in my grooming as I am in my loving: I like to be efficient, but still leave everyone satisfied. Waxing the mustache tells the world you care about your appearance, but is easily done with no wasted time.

A flourish, a primp, a tuck, and you're ready to face the day.

As a friend said on the ol' Giant facebook page,
The act is relaxing, and the only manly pampering I perform, the preparation, the scent, the wife's reaction on seeing my stiff upper lip! But I suppose the 'chief joy' is having the honour of wearing the finished product with a certain element of pride; it's satisfying in a calmly masculine way.

2. You'll Walk The Line

Remember how your grandpa used to keep a comb in his back pocket? Yeah, that was bad-ass. I keep a tin of wax in mine.

Wouldn't want to look like this guy.
When it comes to my appearance through the day, I am a walking twilight of the gods. The forces of entropy grab hold of me as soon as I step out the door, and, I believe, lay their hands more heavily upon me than most. In no time at all my shirt is untucked, my hair mussed, and my belt below my belly.

If I am not careful my mustache will betray me as well. One tip might maintain its graceful upward sweep while its partner turns wickedly toward niflheim.

My mustache inspires me to periodically check my appearance. All it ever requires is a gentle sweep of a finger 'neath the 'stache, or at most a little twist of a tip. But that is all it takes to keep me on my toes. My mustache will not suffer my genial spirit to decay.

3. It's Refreshing

Waxing is, believe it or not, refreshing and invigorating.

Besides the natural pep one picks up from being well-groomed, the product itself is one that can refresh. One wouldn't necessarily think that of wax, since sticky and thick aren't normally descriptors of products that refresh one's soul and burnishes the glint in one's eye.

One wouldn't necessarily think that, until one ran into waxes olorating of cinnamon, mint, rose, or gin and tonic.

4. It's Playful

Joyful, even. Your mustache, sir, is smiling at the world. It can't help it, because your entire countenance reflects your joy at being alive, and your soul's song shines out through your nostrils, causing your mustache to curl up and smile.

You showed the world you take it seriously by showing up in it well-groomed. Now you show the world that you don't take yourself seriously because you just showed up looking ridiculous.

What?! I thought you were defending the waxing of mustaches.

I am. And I know that it looks a little like two commas are kissing under my nose.

Do I lack dignity? No, sir. But I am wise enough to play the fool, and to do that well requires a bit of wax.

5. You Can Grow It Out

Not only is waxing your mustache a reason to grow your mustache out, it can help you keep growing it.

Perhaps you'd like to experience owning a soup-strainer that a walrus who served as a colonel with the Coldstream Guards would be proud of. Such a thing can be cumbersome and get in the way, not only when eating soup, but when kissing the wife.

Of course, your wife will not want to kiss a crusty over-waxed mustache. But a deft and experienced waxer is able to keep his mustache out of his teeth while maintaining a full and natural look and feel. Therefore let your freak flag fly.

On a personal level I can tell you that I've enjoyed my wife's adjustments to my 'stache, even if she would rather I keep my mustache trimmed above my lip (that, my dear, is not an option). Her kissing technique has evolved to sneak the puckered lips just under the 'stache, resulting in plumper, juicier kisses.

6. It's Manly!

Remember when we said the mustache was the glory of man? We were being silly, of course.

The beard is the glory of man. And a mustache is part of that. Relish your beard. Rejoice in your 'stache. Revel in your God-given badges of manliness.

Your mustache, like you and your beard, is full of potential, both creative and destructive. Men and beards and mustaches should be strong, but should allow themselves to be domesticated. To build houses and cut down trees and raise children. Therefore go out, and do as Brett Keisel says:

"It's magic. You just have to pet it, take care of it. You trim the mustache so it doesn't hang on your lip. Then you just make sure you stroke it and keep it nice."