Beards Under Attack At M.I.T.?

This is my pops. He's a pretty impressive dude. He's the life of the party. He drinks great wine, and brings plenty for all. He tells terrible jokes and everyone thinks they're hilarious. He smokes great cigars, and brings plenty for all. His beard is white. The Most Interesting Man In The World modeled his look on my dad's.

People, he got his doctorate at M. I. freakin' T. Do you hear what I'm saying?

My dad rocked the beard hard when he was at M.I.T. He was no baby-faced undergrad, so his situation was different from that of most young men who come into M.I.T. But surely he will be concerned to hear this news: beards at M.I.T. are under attack!

Thankfully Naveen Sunkavally has come to the rescue. Thank you Mr. Sunkavally.
Typically those who complain against beards are the very people who can't grow them in the first place.

A beard (for men) is like a well-endowed midsection: You've either got it or you don't. And those who don't have it sometimes descend into furious, animated mudslinging that masks an inner frustration.

You've probably known these types of people. These always paw their chin insistently and consistently trying to eke out of their peach-fuzz a semblance of the real thing. At night, they probably take a magnifying glass to their faces and look in the mirror trying to spot and nourish the slightest bit of growth. And then in the morning, after a night of frustration, they awake fresh and ready for a new day of mudslinging.

The rest of the article is a wonderful exposition of the virtues and applications of beard in daily life. Read it to see how helpful to individual and society the beard can be.

At the end Mr. Sunkavally tosses in a completely gratuitous slam which I here include, because I also enjoy talking trash about white people: "Extremely light-skinned males may, however, look ridiculous with beards."


  1. Joffre, my dear, not sure who may have modeled his beard on your father's but I can attest that The Most Interesting Man In The World, is your dad. He'd be that with or without the beard, I think ;-). That said, I do think that the textural interaction of beard and smooth flesh is optimal.

  2. I get the sense that Mr. Sunkavally and Mr. Giant think extremely white skinned people look ridiculous without a beard as well, in which case the beard can provide a modicum of the dignity that nature otherwise forbade his visage. Especially if said beard is a brazen shade of burnished red.

  3. Your beard is the color of a flaming basketball following Apollo's chariot as it sets into a sea of fire.

    Which only makes it more magnificent.

    Anyway, I just enjoy a white boy slam. There's no actual truth to it.

  4. Hm...does dad know you're talking about the texture of his skin on the interwebs?

  5. Of course. You may well imagine his laughter.


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