91% of Women Prefer Men With Beards

Last week the press got all excited because someone had "proven" that women are more attracted to men without beards. In this post I mentioned that the paper they cited got much less excited about things than the press did (big surprise), their main idea being that beards conveyed power and respectability, while beardlessness apparently was good for sexiness.

I didn't even like that idea, though. When the ladies find me sexy, it's power and respectability that they dig. My wife prefers me bearded, and she likes to squeeze my arms when I flex. So I put together a comprehensive internet poll, phrased in such a way, and with such a sample that my results will be absolutely indisputable.

And as for the results of the anti-beard study, check out this link sent to me by kyriosity. It very neatly and informally dismisses what was a rather shoddy job of sampling. And what was rather a slip-shod job of setting parameters. And what was rather a careless job of framing the questions.

The results of my survey are above reproach. Of course. This is a Giant operation.

As you can clearly see, 91% of all women surveyed prefer beards. If you extrapolate the data appropriately, you end up with 3.2 billion women preferring beards over the mere 300 million women who prefer womanly cheeks on their men.

Some of the responses my study garnered:
I have always preferred beards. When I was about four my dad shaved his off and I wouldn't go near him until it grew back. -Angel in Greenville

I have only once in my married existence shaved my face clean. Upon seeing me, Heather screamed bloody murder, leaped into the air, hovered across the room to get away from me, and collapsed into a sobbing heap in the corner. -Paul in Charleston

Joffre, are you still talking about this? -Kimberly in Greenville

Ladies, this calls for a little activism. Let the world know that you like your man with beard. Let the men with goatees talk about "motion in the ocean". Let men know it's time to let their facial girth show.

Love your man. Love his beard.


  1. I have to let my wife read this survey.
    I have the full circle beard. I have not shaved since Easter day. Pasted the itchy stage. I am growing a full beard for my son's Boy Scout father & son camping trip next month. We are doing a three day two nite reinactment of a 1700's fur traders in the Foothills of the Smokies. This is my chance to grow a beard and smoke a corn cob pipe and get away with both.
    My wife only likes me with a mustache And she hates me with a full beard.
    So I will not skew the survey with her opinion.
    I am going to have to work hard to keep the full beard when I get home from our camping trip.
    Wish me luck!

  2. I wish you success, sir. And have fun with the trip!

  3. Considering how much most women alter their natural appearance, is it any wonder they would not appreciate the lack
    of that cultivation in a man's face. I have a completely full, untrimmed beard and I've never felt so honest in presenting
    myself to others.


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