Several Reasons The French Might Be More Awesome Than You

The smoking. The French spit in the eye of death by smoking everywhere, and will not stop smoking just because you asked them to. Recent changes to laws have pushed smokers out of certain areas, but this has only made them react as the Foreign Legion does when beleaguered: raise the flag and rally 'round, with a scornful lift of a mustache corner.

The Boot. They have their own martial art, called "The Old Boot". It's a full-contact art emphasizing brutal kicks to the body, and is the only kicking martial art in which formal practitioners wear shoes. For more kickassness, you understand.

The Surety. The French national police force, their version of the FBI, which is in charge of counter-espionage within the country, is known as "The Safety". As in, "don't worry about the wicked foreign menace, lads, The Safety is on the job."

The Képi. To this day their Foreign Legion, a legendary force, wears silly white caps into battle. To this very day, boys and girls. It's called a képi, and is as cute as its name suggests.

"These are Free French Foreign Legionnaires,
so we're allowed to cheer for them."

The Butter. & The Paradox. The French have a Paradox named after them. The French paradox is the observation that French people suffer a relatively low incidence of coronary heart disease, despite having a diet relatively rich in saturated fats. That is, they eat lots of butter and meat and cheese, so much cheese, and never have heart attacks. The average Frenchman eats four times as much butter as your anemic American ass does.

This is the kind of butter real men eat.

The Chauvin. There was a guy named Nicolas Chauvin. He was the French Audie Murphy. He leapt tall mountains and crushed the enemies of Bonaparte. So you don't like him. You don't have to like him. You just have to respect that the word chauvinism means "being like Nicolas".

The Cheese. "A country producing almost 360 different types of cheese cannot die." -- Winston Churchill

The Fanny. The French have a game in which you stand still and throw heavy metal balls at wooden balls. The highest achievement of the game is to "stick it to Fanny". According to wikipedia, "it is traditional that when a player loses 13 to 0 it is said that...“il a fait fanny” (he made fanny), and that he has to kiss the bottom of a girl called Fanny. Since there is rarely an obliging Fanny's behind handy, there is usually a substitute picture, woodcarving or pottery so that Fanny’s bottom is available. More often, the team which made "fanny" has to offer a beverage to the winning team (see the French popular expression "Fanny paie à boire!")."

Preparing to kiss fanny in front of a large mixed audience.


  1. This was a very interesting read thanks for sharing! That butter looked like mash potatoes! Lol

  2. Hmmm...I guess the French are more awesome than me.

  3. I mean, you know...I think it's pretty obvious.


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