Don't Wash Your Hands After Going To The Bathroom

"Remember, kids. Act like everything in a public restroom in on fire."

Beloved, allow me impress/depress you with another parental suggestion: teach your children (at least, your boys) not to wash their hands at public restrooms. Perhaps I feel this way because I'm a man; it is commonly accepted that women's restrooms are, by and large, cleaner and nicer than those of men (although toilets in women's restrooms get clogged more often, which is a good reminder that women aren't really less disgusting than men; and yes, I know why...I've worked in food/bar service too long not to know).

Anyway, to the point. I remind my boys every time I go into the bathroom that they ought not to touch anything, or the minimum required to get the job done. I of course see that this is easier to do with boys, since 90% of public restroom visits will be for peeing, which means the neat and ascetic urinal is used. Men, who can manage many restroom doors with their backsides, can often get in and out without touching anything that doesn't belong to them (if you know what I mean). It is my belief that these men only wash their hands because of the social stigma (and don't worry ladies, they do wash their hands). I walk past the sinks with my head held high, even if I'm at a steakhouse. I am supremely confident that my hands will be cleaner if I keep them to myself than if I decide to lift the tap to a sink that dozens or hundreds of men have been at that day. And when I'm done washing, odds are even that I'll have to grasp a door handle anyway, a handle that is guaranteed to be wet with the wash-water of men too lazy to dry their hands.

Therefore I have trained my boys.

• Keep yourself clean at home. 
• Touch as little as you're able in the public restroom. 
• Wash your hands only if you actually touched something disgusting. 
• Back out through the door if you're able. 

So yes, now you all know that the one time we went out for a burger, and I went to the bathroom, then a few minutes later swiped a couple of your fries, I hadn't washed my hands. I was looking out for you.

Of course, for this to make any sense at all, you'd have to subscribe to my lo que no te mata te engorda philosophy when it comes to germs. Which I might discuss at some future point. The video below summarizes my view completely, however. And yes, the baptism is an important part of my view.

Potentially distracting but relevant tangent: I was talking to some friends who were attending a Roman Catholic church during the '80s AIDS craze. The priest had to tell his congregation to stop being scared, and to share the cup with their brothers and sisters. So maybe I'll hit that at some other time. For now, perhaps we can be less frightened and little wiser/more prudent when it comes to bathroom germs.