Ye Have Heard It Said, Men Need Variety

It is common wisdom that men are programmed, by biology and society, to crave sexual variety. And although the research is a little more subtle than this, pop science states that this first manifests itself in a desire for many partners, and if the man is eventually corralled, he will want to cheat. Women understand that if they want to keep their man, they need to keep him sexually interested, primarily through "variety".

This article from LifeScript ("Healthy Living For Women") illustrates the point perfectly. After opening with a "they’ve evolved the desire to be with different women" blast, the second part of the article gets to the meat, because this is something women can actually do something about. Men are "unhappy with their mates", and we learn that
“Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s a simple reason why: boredom,” says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top.

Boredom. That's the dread word. Men must be kept from being bored, or they will certainly cheat on their women, and perhaps, like the slaves to their lusts they are, leave their wives and kids. In Christian circles, the suggestion is often made that it's more the wife's job to keep the husband faithful than it is his.

One of the destructive things about this way of thinking, from a female perspective, is that men are little more than beasts, at least when it comes to sex. But I don't want to talk about that.

I do want to talk about the problem that emerges when Christian men buy into this way of thinking. A lot of discontent in marriages is credited to "not enough variety". Variety, variety, variety, whatever that might mean. Husbands believe that they're built to need variety and change, so they expect that it's their right to have this variety; and if it's not a right, at least the wife ought to be sympathetic and understanding and give that variety. But that doesn't happen. So she's a prude. And she won't try this. And it's boring. The sex and everything that goes with it is always the same, and because of that, it's joyless.

Boredom, boredom, boredom. Thinking about cheating.

Here's the problem with that thinking.

What if you liked her? What if you liked your wife? Would you cheat on her? Would you find a sexual routine joyless? Would you ask her to do things she didn't want to do? What, after all, if you liked her?

If you've read this far, you've probably heard a pastor or somebody talk about not demanding fruit from your spouse; instead, when love waters the tree, unexpected fruit pops up. So what if you liked her?

More to the point, lads, is this: you can complain all you want to about lack of variety. We all know that's not the problem. Because we all know you'd happily rock exclusively missionary position for sixty years, then keel over and die with a smile on your face...if you liked her. And that's got the backing of science.

Doggone it, I like her.


  1. Your point to counter the push of today's thinking is well taken regarding the way we husbands often think. And yet I believe we need to be careful how far we ride the pendulum. Again, I loved the post and believe it to be a much needed reminder. But I like cheese pizza, and no matter how much I like cheese pizza . . . right? I mean, some mushrooms and green peppers are nice too.
    But godly pursuit of each other lends itself to all kinds of emotional, spiritual and even physical variety. Our God-given desire for variety can be warped like any other. But when put into the picture God has painted for us, variety (in all things) is the wonderful bonus to the the relationship.
    Thank you for the post and much-needed reminder!

  2. I'm glad you found the post helpful. The topic is difficult to say anything about, because it's one people are most likely to say "you're only saying that because"...of whatever, your upbringing, your prejudices, your experience.

    I'm not saying there ought not to be any variety or "adventure" or whatever. I just didn't want to dilute the point. That is, the real problem is discontent and hatred. If you don't like your wife, no amount of inventiveness will save your marriage.

    Thanks for the feedback! After talking to the wife and a couple of other readers, there might be another post or two coming out of this one.

  3. I've often said the secret to lasting marriage is simply picking the right one and treating her accordingly... knock on wood.

  4. Well put. Another great example of how the worldlings' mythology facilitates his ideology. Funny how those belief systems that enable us to do "whatever we want" only causes a great amount of discomfort for us - keeping us from what we really want/need, all to label it with the all-excusing misnomer "natural". Great post.

  5. Boredom - what BS! It´s getting better and better with practice!

    I love her ...



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