O Christian, Watch Your Tongue

Watch out, boys and girls. The f-word and other bombs might be dropped in the text below. You may give thanks to good God, though, that no blasphemy is engaged in. By me.

O lads and lasses, how I wish you would watch your fucking tongues.

_____________________________________________

I work at a corporate coffee shop equipped with a drive-through. The store does nearly a million and a half a year, so it's pretty busy. I had two experiences recently in drive-through, and had a conversation with one of my sons this past Saturday, that has the use of "foul" language at the front of my mind.

The other day a rugby buddy of mine came through drive-through. We don't have a face-cam, so I didn't know who I was talking to. I did the standard greeting, and got a blast back over my headset that all three of the other workers wearing head-sets heard too: "Swait, you fucking asshole, I didn't know they let fucking fuck-ups like you work in this place!" I laughed and insulted him back, albeit using cleaner language. The woman working next to me was absolutely shocked, so I had to tell her, "It's all right, this is one of my rugby buddies." I wasn't offended at all. My only thought was, it didn't occur to this asshole (my friend) that there'd be mixed company listening in on our talk. He figured it out, of course, when he got to the window and my co-worker gave him the old evil eye.

I use coarser language than most American Christians believe is permissible, because I believe that many of our conventions are prudish and precious, and not actually righteous. I can't stand the evangelical "crap" instead of "shit", for example. I would not speak the way my friend did, but I was not at all offended. I've tended bar, I've been around the rugby lads. A sentence like "fuck the fucking fuckers" fazes me not at all. I'd tell someone to shut up if he were talking like that in mixed company, or in any company if he claimed to be a Christian. But I'm not going to get my panties all in a twist.

You know what does get my panties all in a twist? What I heard through the drive-through a couple of days ago. "Hey, do you have the caramel---OH MY GOD!---I don't even know what I want. I'll have the frapp---OH MY GOD!---what should I have?---OH MY GOD!------OH MY GOD!---I don't even know. What's good?---OH MY GOD!---I can't even decide! My God...---OH MY GOD!---Okay, okay, OH MY GOD, I got it, I'll have the..."

I mean it when I say, that shit fucking pisses me off.

I know I'm not the only person out there who cringes every time God's name is taken in vain like that. And it's Christians' fault. For the name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles through you, as it is written. If you talk like the woman above did (and you know, I don't have to tell you, that it was a woman), I know you're not a Christian. You wouldn't be that careless. Your mom and your Sunday school teacher and your friends wouldn't let you. But you will let one little "Oh my God" slip when you learn that your order is coming in late, or there's a sweet sweater sale, or whatever other little bit of news there might be.

You know what that does?

That tells the pagans out there that it's okay to take the Lord's name in vain. And it's not. And dare I say it, not only for God's sake. For mine and others as well. I have a physical reaction of disgust every time I hear a careless "Oh my God". And I thank God and my parents for that. My mom went to a British school abroad through 11th grade. She could never stand the word "bloody". It made her cringe every time she heard it. I never understood it, but I knew it was real.

O Christian, there are still a bunch of us medievally non-mall-going Christians out there who cringe every time you call on God without calling on him.

_____________________________________________

Yesterday my six-year-old wanted to know why Iron Man used dirty language. I was a little surprised, because I often let them watch PG and PG-13 hero cartoons, but those rating are usually due to what happens when Wolverine's claws meet flesh. There wasn't, as far as I could recall, any real foul language.

Turns out he was thinking of the Avenger's movie, which I had watched with them. I couldn't think of what he meant off-hand. When Iron Man wakes up after being blasted in the final epic fight, his first words are "What the hell? What just happened?"

So we talked about it. I said that Tony Stark was, like a lot of rich men, immoral and given to vice. I also said he was brilliant and hard-working. I told him that a person like him in real life would probably use bad language, that he wasn't written as a Christian.

But I also told him that in times of duress men will often use foul language. Including good Christian men. The important thing is to never use language carelessly. Iron Man had just been fighting a wicked god; maybe "what the hell" was accurate.

I told him what was worse than "what the hell". "What the heck". Saying that is worse.

Why, my father?

Because you're pretending not to curse, but you are. That's why you never say "jeez" or "gosh".

Also, as Swaits, you believe that words like "shit" aren't always bad. You guys are just too little to know when to use strong language, so for a few years you'll avoid it all.


"Oh my God, there's a sale at the Gap!" I'm sorry, miss, were you talking to God? Because he's listening. The Goblin King. Redrum redrum redrum. Do we really imagine that in a world made by Word we may use words carelessly? If nothing else it will impoverish your own soul. It will rip away your creative spark.

I have said elsewhere that I want to bring God in to my daily speech more. I don't say "God willing" or "thank God" often enough. If I heard a tornado were bearing down on us, I think "Oh my God" would be a fitting response. Even if the news were simply that a big storm was coming, "Oh my God" could be shorthand for "God be with us". But that's not how we use that phrase.

"For, as it is written, 'The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.'" You know what precedes that verse? "You who boast in the law dishonor God by breaking the law." That's why God is blasphemed in our presence. You gave them permission. You who preach against adultery and stealing, do you commit adultery? do you steal?

I know you blaspheme. And you do it like it's no big deal. 

_____________________________________________

We live, O Christians, in midgard. A world full of skubalon. A world under heaven and over hell. A world with a God and a devil and witches and bitches. And we can't forget it. We may not speak of these things carelessly, calling upon God or the devil to see to our promises or attach their names of our venial desires. Nor may we, and this is our chief vice, act like they are not there. Like saying their names is simply emptying our lungs. Names are magical and powerful, and your soul will coming rushing right out of your insides, following your careless words close behind.

If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.

If you speak vainly, your life will be vanity. And your entire life will follow where your tongue leads. Will you not be careful?

And will you please stop giving my co-workers and customers an excuse to blaspheme?