Dad Tutorial: How To Pee

The Pee Team

Wifey enjoyed a conversation she had this morning at the breakfast table while I was at work.

George (6) sat down at the breakfast table and and turned to L'il Joffre (7).

George: "Dad showed me a trick...you know those holes in your underwear..."

L'il Joffre: "GEORGE! Shush!" (Turns to look at Renata and mom in horror.)

Wifey: "Why don't you tell Joffre about Dad's trick when you are in private."
Women comment frequently on how easy and convenient it is for males to pee, and it is, but that ease is learned. Dads, believe it or not, must teach their boys how to pee. George, of course, was referring to the ol' trick of pulling through the slots in the underpants in order to free willy. More difficult than simply pulling the underoos down a bit, but a useful skill when you're tightly buttoned up.

Boys love to pee. It starts with them striding into public restrooms and proudly pulling their pants all the ways down to their ankles, clenching their butt cheeks, and letting the stream jet. They're not holding on to johnson, they've got their hands pressed to the back of their hips, pelvis thrust forward, and they're looking around proudly. Sometimes the stream flies straight up, which teaches them to take the matter in hand.

Little boys will pee anywhere there's grass, so you have to guide them. Rules like "only in the back yard" become important. Dad's modelling is more important here than you'd think, because it turns out it's not natural for males to pee against trees and in bushes. That's a learned behavior. Don't pee in the garden path, son. Pee in the hydrangeas. It will make them blue.

Dad must teach his sons to shake. If your son is too lazy to shake, which he might very well be, remind him that it could be worse...he could be a girl. From that perspective, shaking seems but a light and passing chore. Shaking technique is not, as the boy initially believes, to gyrate the hips or to hop up and down, but instead maintain the body stationary while shaking only the penis. This can take some boys a while to get down.

One day you tell them that they don't have to pull their pants all the way down when they go to a public restroom, they can just sort of loosen the waist and pull the front down a bit, keeping their butts covered. Sometimes you tell them this too early, and they decide they'd rather pee bare-assed. Sometimes they decide they'd rather not have their stubby johnson near a zipper. I never pressure them. Eventually they realize that theirs are the only ass cheeks visible in the room.

Once this happens you're within a few months of the "trick" that started this whole blog post off.

Boys should also be told that there's very little talking in men's restrooms. Think The Caves of Steel. I suppose some kids might get that naturally, but mine didn't. Perhaps because their dad is someone who enjoys starting the occasional awkward conversations in men's rooms. Often inspired by the fact that the dude peeing next to me is uncomfortable that my great height allows me to see right over the divider between the urinals. Associated with this bit of etiquette are another couple of tidbits...look at no one. Touch nothing. Only poop in public restrooms if you're about to crap your pants.

The last thing you tell your boys about, if you have a big enough crew, is the traditional spacing adopted by men at a wall of urinals. It's something that would be awkward to bring up if you only walked up with one kid in tow and there were other dudes at the pee troughs. But if you've got three in tow, you can come close to filling up a bank of urinals just with your own family. Ironically this most complex of male pee behaviors is completely instinctive, but doesn't kick in until they're a little older. You can give them a head start.

That's about all I can remember teaching the lads. I'm sure I've forgotten a couple of the finer points, but I hope this basic pee primer is helpful.

Comments

  1. Great post. I've got 4 boys (3, 5, 7, & 9) and I forgot that urinal etiquette has to be taught after the first couple trips to the public restroom with my oldest, and after we had a few public restroom disasters.

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